Going Through The Motions - Matthew West

I've heard this song several times before and there was something about it that hit me in the gut, but I never listened to the words completely.

How many times have I longed for safety in my life - that feeling of comfort and peace - knowing that it's all okay. Yet how many times have I denied that in my life because I thought I was finding it in myself more than I could anywhere else? Self protective tendencies tend to lead us down the road of avoidance and hiding.

When you have any type of baggage you've got a tough road to go down if you're going to deal with it. And dealing with that baggage sucks for the lack of a better word.

The alternative is worse. Buried hurt gets us nowhere. Dealing with it is going to be rough. We are going to feel broken. But at least we'll feel.

I think that's what this song is about. Challenge yourself to stop going through the motions of your existence and deal with what you need to deal with it. Don't hide from it one more day.

Not. One. More. Day.

Let's make it real today.

The Motions
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Challenging Your Marriage - Am I Able to Let it Go?

061 - Mar 2 - Letting Go
Originally uploaded by ladybugrock

It's been a couple of weeks since we talked about challenging our marriages. But I want us to keep going and keep challenging.

This week, let's consider this.....Am I able to forgive and let go of (keeping no record of wrongs) my spouse's shortcomings? Do I use my spouse's past shortcomings as ammunition in today's disagreements or allow these things to taint our communication daily?

Now is a good time for a very appropriate disclaimer.

There are indeed horrible marriages out there. Marriages full of pain and strife - of adultery, unfaithfulness, abuse, deceit and a myriad of other cruelties. I am not an expert at dealing with these things by any stretch of the imagination. I have seen these things happen first hand in marriages and I don't know how some of them withstood. Others I watched fall apart and end in divorce, even appropriately so. While I believe that God wants EVERY marriage to work out, I do not believe that any of the things I mentioned are to be tolerated or accepted in any way. I believe there are times it is appropriate for a divorce to be the final chapter in a marriage. I know it hasn't been designed that way, but humanity is fallen.

I have been thinking about this disclaimer since the beginning of this challenge, but this week seemed the best time to talk about it.

Records of wrongs.

Are they to be held over a spouse's head? No.

Are they to be dealt with? Yes.

I think there is a difference between talking about and dealing with the pain that happens in a marriage and continuing to threaten and hate and harbor bitterness over an issue for years and years. There's a difference. There's a place for accountability. There is a place for forgiveness.

Jesus dealt with things head on - "What's that you're thinking Mr. Pharisee? Why do you say that? Satan get behind me., etc." Jesus does not shy away from dealing with reality.

When true repentance occurs and true change follows, even struggling change, Jesus kept moving forward. He didn't say, "Peter, didn't we talk about trusting Me with the walking on the water incident??? Or Mary, how can you still be sinful after I let you survive the wrath of your stoners?"

Are we moving forward in our marriages, no matter what the circumstances? Dealing and/or forgiving? Are you unsure what you are supposed to do in your marriage because of the pain that exists?

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

Let's ask for wisdom and grace to live this challenge as God would want us to.

Fabulous Find - Bring the Rain

I have no idea how I found this blog, but last night I did.

I do get caught up in being on-line for extended amounts of time, but never on one blog - until last night.

These are some of the most captivating and emotionally transparent writings I have ever read.

I have talked about Maeve before - a sweet baby that passed away from our friend's lives when she was only 20 days old. I realized more than I have yet that I have no idea how Melissa and Jon (Maeve's parents) have dealt with the experience of losing her. Angie , who writes Bring the Rain, and her husband Todd also lost a baby after only a couple of hours of life. They had 3 daughters prior to having Audrey and have since had another daughter, Charlotte.

Angie and Todd, like so many parents who have lost children, are living in such a way to honor their children and impact others because of their child's life. There is not a single post I've read so far that has not impacted me in some way. I literally laughed and cried when reading what Angie so beautifully wrote.

These people reflect God's presence in their lives and the struggle of life in an incredible way. If you need to see the real presence of God, lived out in someone's life, this is a great place to do it. Start at the beginning. But I need to warn you; you won't want to stop. To start reading, visit Bring the Rain here.

A Cup of Water

I read/hear so many people say, "Oh, God did this for me." or "God is amazing. He protected me this way." or "I know He is with me."

Every time I hear someone say that or something like that, I feel sick. And then angry.

I have never known why.

It is something I have prayed about and thought about for a long time. I have wanted to feel what they feel and to believe that what they say is true and not just some kind of Christian cliche, but I've never had any answers.

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I attended the Global Leadership Summit. All weekend I heard stories that referred to the quotes above and even ran into a woman whose speech reverberated with those quotes despite the hardships she had encountered. Again I felt sick. And then very angry.

It dawned on me later, which I'm going to attribute to God because I have been praying about it for so long, why. All of a sudden when we were driving home I said to my husband, "I think I know what my problem is."

I grew up in a household that from the time I was 12 was filled with turmoil in many ways. I remember looking into my vanity mirror one time and planning when and how I would end it all. I couldn't do it, but I remember that feeling of desperation.

Ironically, I also grew up in the church. I asked Christ into my heart when I was a little girl. I don't remember ever specifically asking for His help or even thinking of Him at all in relation to many of the events of my teenage years. Perhaps I couldn't reconcile the two or maybe I didn't want to try. I don't think my young mind could have grappled with that.

Here's my problem. Where was He? How did He help me? I was a child. Why wouldn't He help me like He does everyone else?

And that's why I get angry.

After we got home my husband and kids left the house for a little bit and I had the opportunity to fold laundry and do a little praying. I asked God to simply show me if He was there and if He did help me and I just didn't know it.

Just this past week I ran across an old journal I had been writing in college in perhaps the most trying year of my life. I saught God, begged God, praised God and acknowledged that He was there with me. And He was with me. In the everyday. Subtle but there.

Then a couple of days ago I was reminded of this verse again.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I felt like He cupped His hands in front of me and handed me a drink of water from His hands. It was simple and clear - like the fog had lifted.

"Lean not on your own understanding."

There is great peace in thinking that way. In not holding that burden.

I may never understand what those years were all about and why they happened and how He was there for me. Right now He's asking me to just trust that He was.

And I can rest in that.

A Family That Will Inspire You

This week I'm doing a series on a beautiful family I just started working with. Their story is inspiring and courageous. I invite you to read and share it here.

Living in a Family with Hurt

I grew up in a family that was fiercely loyal. I grew up in an extended family that seemed to go through everything together - drunkenness, car accidents with crippling consequences, elders with massive and debilitating strokes, crumbled marriages, multiple marriages, births of children out of wedlock, sexual abuse, physical abuse, children with memories starting way later than they should have been, jail time, cancer.

The secrecy and deception that prevaded is now astonishing. As I was growing up, everyone within the family knew things but they were to be kept within that family - not elsewhere. If they were talked about, it was with hushed voices in an atmosphere where it was just known that what was said there stayed there. And it was all done within a sphere of "Christianity". Let's pray about it and let then carefully tuck it under the rug, only to be brought out again at determined and quiet times.

I didn't even start to question that mentality until I went to college, but really didn't question it until I started going to counseling. I see my family completely differently now.

I see it as devastating.

I see what role I had in it and the deception I continued within that family and I want no part of it whatsoever. One of the problems is how to be a part of this family still and what part, if any, to take.

I no longer want to be a part of any deception and I do NOT want to be a part of the cycle of continued deception and hiddenness. I do NOT want my children to be a part of that cycle or even think it is remotely near acceptable. Family loyalty? Yes. Family deception with the aim to protect? Absolutely not.

The thing is I still love my family. I look forward to seeing most of them without a sense of anger or even hesitancy. I understand everyone has their faults and all families have something and I am not to judge and all of that.

How do I combine those two things?

The 4th of July a big reunion is always held. My grandmother was one of 13 children and it is this extended family that I am talking about. I have refused to go to the reunions because that's all I can see and feel - the deception and acceptance of that deception and how it has effected my life. I am convinced that each of those 13 siblings has carried that deception into their own families in their own ways.

I know that if I go to this reunion and if I would mention any of this to any one of those people, they would be quick to throw me under the bus, convince me that the things I'm saying are justified or untrue and then convince me not to tell anyone. It's a horrible change from the way I used to see these people and how I used to looked at those reunions. I think ignorance was bliss. But its not truth.

Within my immediate family abusive situations occurred. In the theme of the extended family, we kept it to ourselves. I kept everything to myself until I went to college. Then I started talking. The more I realized and admitted what happened, the more truth and greater comfort I have received. The more healing has occurred. I'm not out there with posters or anything advertising our situation, but I am honest about it. I have learned how to talk to my family about what has happened and not to shy away from it. That's the family I want to be a part of. A family that can admit their mistakes, no matter how devastating they may be and do what they can to work together to change those mistakes. We understand that we have hurt each other and we ask for forgiveness and say we are sorry when we need to, even if it's over something that we've apologized for before. That's part of the process when you really hurt someone. And it's getting okay.

It will never be okay this side of heaven - for any of us. Hurts continue because they are deep seeded and therefore effect the way we become and how we respond to others. Hurt isn't something that is just forgotten. It stays with us because that's part of this fallen world and even because it's a reminder to stay away from that type of situation again. A protection, if you will. Consequences remain, not as a punishment, but as a necessary after effect. We continue to be sinful and we continue to make mistakes. But we don't pretend they are okay and we don't pretend they have gone away.

I think that's the way a family in pain is supposed to be.

Am I going to go to the reunion? Yes and I'll be real and proud of the God whom I serve and the truth He has given me.