Living in a Family with Hurt

I grew up in a family that was fiercely loyal. I grew up in an extended family that seemed to go through everything together - drunkenness, car accidents with crippling consequences, elders with massive and debilitating strokes, crumbled marriages, multiple marriages, births of children out of wedlock, sexual abuse, physical abuse, children with memories starting way later than they should have been, jail time, cancer.

The secrecy and deception that prevaded is now astonishing. As I was growing up, everyone within the family knew things but they were to be kept within that family - not elsewhere. If they were talked about, it was with hushed voices in an atmosphere where it was just known that what was said there stayed there. And it was all done within a sphere of "Christianity". Let's pray about it and let then carefully tuck it under the rug, only to be brought out again at determined and quiet times.

I didn't even start to question that mentality until I went to college, but really didn't question it until I started going to counseling. I see my family completely differently now.

I see it as devastating.

I see what role I had in it and the deception I continued within that family and I want no part of it whatsoever. One of the problems is how to be a part of this family still and what part, if any, to take.

I no longer want to be a part of any deception and I do NOT want to be a part of the cycle of continued deception and hiddenness. I do NOT want my children to be a part of that cycle or even think it is remotely near acceptable. Family loyalty? Yes. Family deception with the aim to protect? Absolutely not.

The thing is I still love my family. I look forward to seeing most of them without a sense of anger or even hesitancy. I understand everyone has their faults and all families have something and I am not to judge and all of that.

How do I combine those two things?

The 4th of July a big reunion is always held. My grandmother was one of 13 children and it is this extended family that I am talking about. I have refused to go to the reunions because that's all I can see and feel - the deception and acceptance of that deception and how it has effected my life. I am convinced that each of those 13 siblings has carried that deception into their own families in their own ways.

I know that if I go to this reunion and if I would mention any of this to any one of those people, they would be quick to throw me under the bus, convince me that the things I'm saying are justified or untrue and then convince me not to tell anyone. It's a horrible change from the way I used to see these people and how I used to looked at those reunions. I think ignorance was bliss. But its not truth.

Within my immediate family abusive situations occurred. In the theme of the extended family, we kept it to ourselves. I kept everything to myself until I went to college. Then I started talking. The more I realized and admitted what happened, the more truth and greater comfort I have received. The more healing has occurred. I'm not out there with posters or anything advertising our situation, but I am honest about it. I have learned how to talk to my family about what has happened and not to shy away from it. That's the family I want to be a part of. A family that can admit their mistakes, no matter how devastating they may be and do what they can to work together to change those mistakes. We understand that we have hurt each other and we ask for forgiveness and say we are sorry when we need to, even if it's over something that we've apologized for before. That's part of the process when you really hurt someone. And it's getting okay.

It will never be okay this side of heaven - for any of us. Hurts continue because they are deep seeded and therefore effect the way we become and how we respond to others. Hurt isn't something that is just forgotten. It stays with us because that's part of this fallen world and even because it's a reminder to stay away from that type of situation again. A protection, if you will. Consequences remain, not as a punishment, but as a necessary after effect. We continue to be sinful and we continue to make mistakes. But we don't pretend they are okay and we don't pretend they have gone away.

I think that's the way a family in pain is supposed to be.

Am I going to go to the reunion? Yes and I'll be real and proud of the God whom I serve and the truth He has given me.