Thoughts on Envy

Lately I have noticed loneliness as a common thread running through my life. It seems to be all around me. I’m also noticing that the lonelier I’m getting the more envious I’m getting too.

Wishing I had as many friends as that other friend does, or followers in blog land terms. Wishing I had the marriage that person seems to or the strength of character of that one. Wishing I had the success that person does or even that I got as many thank you’s as them.

When envy reaches into the depths of a marriage, its reach can become potent. As I considered the question – am I supportive? And then, do I keep track of what I do in comparison to my husband?, I had to step back. And answer no.

I want to support my husband and all that he does, but I can not say that I do that in all humility and grace all the time. It’s hard, as a stay at home mom, to listen to all the great things my husband gets to do at work and all that he accomplishes there and not feel envious. It’s hard, when staying at home is mostly a thankless enterprise, to work at everything around the house in the name of all the people who live there and not keep track of what I’ve done in comparison to what I feel my husband has or hasn’t done in the same arena. I knew I was going to write about this tonight, but as I talked to my husband tonight, the conversation took on a flavor of envy. And I’m the one who injected it. It seemed completely justifiable – the things I was comparing. And maybe it was, but it is not my job to bring that up. It is God’s.

You know, part of me likes the envy. Part of me likes setting up the comparisons and pointing out everything I feel like I’ve done to make our home a better place, etc. because I want to hear it. And I want my husband to hear it too. It’s still wrong though.

My purpose in life is to trust in God and that He can and WILL take care of me and even that He SEES ME. I’m learning, very slowly, but hopefully also very surely, that God longs to be with me in the loneliness and insecurity I’m experiencing. That all that REALLY matters is that He and I are together. I MUST find a way to focus on Him at every turn so that I don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. I MUST focus on Him to keep the focus off of myself. When I start being envious and unsupportive of my husband; when I start comparing EVERYTHING I feel like I am doing around the house, or with the kids, or whatever else in comparison to what I think he is or isn’t doing, I’m focusing on me. And that results in distance between myself and my husband and my God.

The plan for this week is to keep focusing on Him and to know that He has made me exactly who He wants me to be. That He gives me the purposes in my life (and that He gives my husband the purposes in his) because we were designed for them. Perhaps God sees them both as worthy enterprises – the mom staying home doing laundry and the man working in other’s lives out of the house.

When I know that I have no true reason to be envious, the envy can stop. I pray that it will.

Does envy effect you or your marriage? How do you fight it?