Darts

Yesterday I posted on the Todd Agnew song Grace Like Rain. The last sentence I typed was "be encouraged that our sins have been washed away". The second I finished typing it, I felt like someone threw a dart into my stomach.

I have such a hard time believing in and accepting that grace.

This past weekend I went shopping. Completely out of the blue - I mean I NEVER expected it - wasn't even on my radar - I ran into an ex-boyfriend. I didn't run into him literally; I just happened to be in the same store as he was. We didn't interact with each other. I don't think he even recognized me. I couldn't believe the effect that had on me. I had chalked that relationship up to a very young, very terrible mistake. This guy took advantage of me in incredible ways and I let him. I take responsibility that I made huge mistakes, but I also acknowledge that he, as a person significantly older than me, knew what he was doing much more than I did. In light of that, I found it pretty easy to dismiss him.

When I saw him it was different. Seeing him and after seeing him, my mind went into a tailspin. I started feeling the same insecurities I had during and after our dating relationships. I started questioning why I wasn't "worth" it for him to stick around. I started thinking about the regret I should be feeling and the weight I "should" be putting on myself over the mistakes I made there, especially in light of my incredible husband and what he deserves. Things I hadn't struggled with in a long time were all right in front of me again.

I don't know how to accept that "grace like rain". I know He says it's for me, but I don't live like I believe it is for me in my heart. I believe that if I regret something and have made mistakes, I should carry that regret around with me. To rid myself of it is to brush it off, to not really care.

I know God wants me to experience His grace and peace. I just don't know how to work with that regret and God's gifts together.

I also know that Satan exists. And I know that this is what God has to say about Him, in part. "Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." He throws arrows. He throws darts. Arrows to pierce and cripple.

Satan has been throwing flaming arrows at me since Saturday and I have not guarded myself with a shield of faith - the belief that God's with me in all of this and has the power to take care of this - in His way. I don't believe I am supposed to forget what I did or what happened in that relationship, but there has to be a way God's grace can flow through those memories. Leaving that shield down is only going to expose me to more arrows.

I'm going to stop and ask God for the shield of faith today.

Can you relate to any of this?