A Cup of Water

I read/hear so many people say, "Oh, God did this for me." or "God is amazing. He protected me this way." or "I know He is with me."

Every time I hear someone say that or something like that, I feel sick. And then angry.

I have never known why.

It is something I have prayed about and thought about for a long time. I have wanted to feel what they feel and to believe that what they say is true and not just some kind of Christian cliche, but I've never had any answers.

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I attended the Global Leadership Summit. All weekend I heard stories that referred to the quotes above and even ran into a woman whose speech reverberated with those quotes despite the hardships she had encountered. Again I felt sick. And then very angry.

It dawned on me later, which I'm going to attribute to God because I have been praying about it for so long, why. All of a sudden when we were driving home I said to my husband, "I think I know what my problem is."

I grew up in a household that from the time I was 12 was filled with turmoil in many ways. I remember looking into my vanity mirror one time and planning when and how I would end it all. I couldn't do it, but I remember that feeling of desperation.

Ironically, I also grew up in the church. I asked Christ into my heart when I was a little girl. I don't remember ever specifically asking for His help or even thinking of Him at all in relation to many of the events of my teenage years. Perhaps I couldn't reconcile the two or maybe I didn't want to try. I don't think my young mind could have grappled with that.

Here's my problem. Where was He? How did He help me? I was a child. Why wouldn't He help me like He does everyone else?

And that's why I get angry.

After we got home my husband and kids left the house for a little bit and I had the opportunity to fold laundry and do a little praying. I asked God to simply show me if He was there and if He did help me and I just didn't know it.

Just this past week I ran across an old journal I had been writing in college in perhaps the most trying year of my life. I saught God, begged God, praised God and acknowledged that He was there with me. And He was with me. In the everyday. Subtle but there.

Then a couple of days ago I was reminded of this verse again.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I felt like He cupped His hands in front of me and handed me a drink of water from His hands. It was simple and clear - like the fog had lifted.

"Lean not on your own understanding."

There is great peace in thinking that way. In not holding that burden.

I may never understand what those years were all about and why they happened and how He was there for me. Right now He's asking me to just trust that He was.

And I can rest in that.